Reflection
by Fianna
Summary: CATSfic; This is about Electra. Angst warning here, it contains some not-so-happy topics such as death. Don't read if you're feeling down, but I would like to see how this piece is received as only three people have ever read it. :)


I wish I was pretty

**Reflection__**

_ _

_I wish I was pretty.I look at Bombalurina sometimes and it must look like I'm in love with her or something.But I'm not.She's just so beautiful, I can't help staring.Everyone thinks she's gorgeous.And she knows she is.No wonder she's so confident. Jemima is gorgeous too.I'm jealous of my best friend just because she's cute and pretty and I'm not.How awful am I?I don't deserve her as a friend.She deserves someone like Victoria.I don't like Victoria, but she's beautiful too.They should all stick together.Go together in one little group and leave me to my misery.Maybe I'll just hide in here for a bit and try to forget.I wish I was pretty…_

"So Tugger, what's up with you and Bomby?"

Tugger watched Bombalurina, who was across the other side of the Junkyard."She's gorgeous," he commented dreamily.

Alonzo eyed her."She IS beautiful.I don't know, she's not my type though."

"And who IS your type?" Tugger shot back.

"JEMIMA!" Munkustrap and Mistoffelees exclaimed in unison.

"Shhhh!" Alonzo blushed."She's just a kitten."

"She's not THAT much younger than you," Munkustrap reminded him."You just like thinking you're older."

"Very funny."Alonzo changed the subject abruptly."What about you Pounci?Who's the most beautiful queen in the junkyard in your opinion?"

Pouncival thought for a few moment."Well I agree Bombalurina's lovely, but I think I'd have to say Etcetera."

"Personally, I'd say Demeter," Munkustrap interjected.

"No big surprise there," Tugger whispered to Alonzo.

Alonzo nodded and looked over at Mistoffelees."You've been pretty quiet Misto.What's your opinion?"

"Definitely Electra."

"Electra!" Pouncival exclaimed."I'd forgotten about her! I agree, Misto."

Munkustrap nodded."Lectra's very striking, I must admit."

"And it looks like the aye's have it!" Tugger said, grinning."The votes are in and the most beautiful queen in the junkyard is Electra… closely followed by Bombalurina!"

The others laughed.

"Come on Misto, we have to go see Deuteronomy," Munkustrap said, getting up.Slowly, the group dispersed to various parts of the junkyard, leaving nothing but silence behind them.

_Me?The most beautiful queen in the Junkyard?No.They must have been joking.They were sarcastic.They knew I was asleep here, they knew I could hear them and they were making fun of me.I hate them.But were they REALLY joking?I know their contest was a joke, but Bombalurina was second.And she's the prettiest queen in the Junkyard by a mile.So that was sincere at least.But she came second.Second after me._

_It's not that I think I'm ugly.Some days I look in a mirror and am almost happy with what I see.But other days… other days I feel like crying._

_Me?The most beautiful queen in the Junkyard?Could they have been serious?Could I not be so unattractive as I thought?Munkustrap said I was "striking".He's not one to lie, is he?And Pouncival and Misto, and even Tugger.I still don't think I'm pretty.But if they do… well, maybe that's enough for me.Maybe I don't have to think I'm pretty.Maybe it doesn't matter.Maybe I should look in the mirror now.Mirror, mirror, on the wall.AM I the fairest queen of all?_

_ _

And so, time passed.

A kitten watched herself in a mirror and smiled, instead of frowning.

"It doesn't matter what YOU think," she told her reflection."Because I'm pretty."

She treasured this knowledge.Kept it.Guarded it like a precious secret.She kept it hidden deep inside herself where nobody else could reach it.

The thought of it made her smile.A secret smile.Because now she knew.

_How can knowing something change your life so much?My attitude, my personality.I like myself so much more now.More than I ever thought I would.Am I that superficial?Are looks really all that matter to me?I never thought so… not before.But now I'm not so sure.Is this such a good thing after all?Is it so good that I know I'm pretty?Or… was I better off before?_

_ _

He watches her.All the time, he watches her.From outside the border of the Junkyard, he watches her.He is not important - she does not know who he is.She does not know his name.She does not even know that he exists.But still he continues to watch her.He has watched her for many years.He watched her grow and mature, her beauty becoming more obvious over the years.And now - she knows.She is aware of her gift.He watches her as she talks to her friends.She is more outgoing now.She is more confident.

She demonstrates a dance step.She is elegant, graceful.She does the step again, but this time she loses her balance and falls to the ground, giggling.He smiles as he watches her playing and laughing with her friends.She is still so young, so innocent.Sometimes he wishes she wasn't.But there is nothing he can do.She is aware.It is time.

_Munkustrap is so funny.He never used to be this over-protective, I'm sure.I'm only going for a walk.What harm could I possibly come to?Besides, I need time alone.I need to think.I love this.Of course I do.Feeling that I'm Jemima's equal.That I'm as good as she is.Being confident enough to make better friends.But sometimes I need time alone.Time to myself.How can my life have changed so radically?I don't know.But at least I'm free for a little while.And I can think.It's funny - I used to dream about being beautiful.But I never considered how my life would change if I was.Oh, I guess I thought I'd become Bombalurina or Jemima.That I'd change completely.But I'm still me.I'm just very lost.Because nothing is the same any more.And sometimes I wish I could go back to the way I was.But on the other hand… I like being admired.Don't I?I like being pretty.Don't I?_

_ _

She was innocent.

Just a young kitten, going for a walk.

But he was older.

And he knew what he wanted.

Could she have defended herself if she'd tried?

He doubted it. That's why it was so easy.

She'd tried to yell, but he'd stopped her.

She bit him once, but he ignored it.

And so, he succeeded.

He could have let her walk past.

He didn't have to do what he did.

But she was too pretty.He couldn't resist.

_I feel so ashamed.I hate myself.I hate him.I didn't even know him.Why did he do that?Why?I can't go back to the Junkyard. They'll hate me too.They'll say it was my fault.Nothing like this has ever happened before.I don't know what to do.Can I run away?No.No!I don't deserve to live!I asked for this! I wanted it!And then I got what I wanted and suddenly I didn't like reality.Well, that's life, kid.That's the breaks.You win some, you lose some.Well, I've experienced life now.Ha, I've really lived. Maybe it's time to say goodbye.Goodbye, world.I asked for this.I wanted it.A fitting end to someone like me.All I need to do is step onto that road.Just one step. One step onto the road and I'll be free.I won't need to wonder any more.Can I do it?I chose this path.This was what I wanted.Goodbye._

__


End file.
